I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
