So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
