She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
