apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You are the jesus of drinking
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
