Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
