My Higher Power is John Stamos
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
