Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
why does every cop we meet know your name?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
