as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
