I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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