Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Randomize
