Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
