I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize