The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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