i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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