Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
