i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
