why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
