Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
