He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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