Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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