There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
