He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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