plz talk dirty to me
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
