Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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