Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
