I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
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