Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
