The maid of honor just puked.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
