I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
