my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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