My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
