sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
