If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
