My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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