my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
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