soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
