I hate your face
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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