Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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