I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
