you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
