Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
