1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
