Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
