I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
