is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
