i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
