I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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