Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you had me at cake vodka
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
