i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
