@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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