I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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