Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
