Someone shit on the floor
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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