Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
